bdsm 101

BDSM basics – The Bdsm 101 -Intro to BDSM

BDSM. A word used by many but understood by few. It evokes images of a leather-clad dominatrix whipping a man tied to a cross. This is usually only how vanilla people see BDSM though.

The real scene is one of extreme enjoyment and fulfilment from dommes and subs alike. There are so many layers and areas of BDSM that no one thing truly sets it apart.

Even something as simple as using furry handcuffs is technically classed as bdsm. Even for vanilla people, BDSM & Bondage is a mysterious yet intriguing area that fascinates as much as horrifies them.

Look past the shock value, however, and you will find a fulfilling and extremely enjoyable place.

Yes, enjoyable!

Thanks to the rise of the fifty shades of grey franchise, more and more couples and people are deciding to give Dom/sub a go. They are buying the gear (cuffs, whips, blindfolds, clamps, fetish clothing etc) and trying it out but many are unsure as to what they are doing to make it a fantastic experience. The aforementioned fifty shades of grey isn’t helping.

It gives a false sense of how to gain from it. What you need to do is take the concept and forget the rest.

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What is BDSM?

It stands for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism and Masochism which is, in a nutshell, about 2 people whereby one has complete control over the other. The one who has control is called the dominant, or sometimes the top, and the other is called the submissive, or the bottom.

The top controls the bottom and has all the power. The bottom relinquishes all control and does as the top commands.

Is it really that simple though?

In short, no. There are rules attached so that both parties get equal enjoyment from the experience. Here, we discuss what they are.

The number 1 rule, and the mantra the entire scene is built around, boils down to consent. If one partner has to do something they really don’t want to do then they are not gaining any enjoyment or pleasure.

Engaging is bdsm should never be something you do with someone you don’t trust to respect your boundaries. It is imperative that clear ground rules are set out beforehand. Pain levels, fear factor, even touching.

The concept of BDSM is that the sub has no choice what the Domme does to them but in actual fact, they hold most of the power. They get to decide 100% what happens to them.

If a male sub doesn’t want his cock and balls abused or to be forced to dress as a female maid then that needs to be respected. If they are being made to do something they don’t want then that will make them miserable and that’s not a good thing.

The misery has to be of their own choosing, as crazy as that sounds. The worst phrase any Dominant can utter is “I will reach your limits and push you beyond them”.

This is usually uttered by inexperienced Dommes or ones who think they know what they are talking about. They think this makes them sound knowledgeable and important but the truth is pushing the limits has to be done by the submissive.

Never do ANYTHING that you haven’t both discussed beforehand. Ad hoc activities are only good if they are a direct progressive from what you are currently doing.

This brings us to rule number 2.

ALWAYS invoke a safe word beforehand. Naturally, the biggest thrill for a sub is being forced to perform, or endure, things they “don’t want” and so will naturally be shouting “no, please stop”.

They don’t actually want their dom to stop but if he or she is unsure if the sub actually wants them to stop or slow down then they might stop altogether and ruin the flow. So it is essential to choose a safe word that the sub can say if they feel they are being pushed too far.

Red is the favoured word of choice since a safe word has to be something that would never usually be said. In real time sessions, it is known as the traffic lights.

Communication is also a big factor in bdsm 101. For both parties to ensure a good time, it is essential that they both are open and honest about what they want, enjoy and accept. It’s no good keeping quiet and not telling your fantasies or cravings.

Your partner or pro Domme is not a mind reader. You need to communicate just what it is exactly that you like. As crazy as it sounds, 99% of subs only have done to them what they enjoy.

Yes, even the ones who want their cocks abused with cattle prods and hammers! Unless you are truthful and upfront then you will be left feeling unfulfilled and can’t do something you haven’t agreed to.

You might want to be dressed as a fully functioning sissy maid but if all you’ve said is “I want to be forced feminised” then for all she knows that’s just panties and a skirt. Likewise, you might be indulging in a little cuckold fantasy but if you want to be forced into chastity and don’t tell her, she will likely assume you still want access to your cock and not put your dick in a cage.

Communication is key for your wants but also for your don’t wants. For example, you might not want to get kicked in the balls and just want a bit of slapping but if all you ask for is “cock and ball torture” then how is anyone to know when too much is too much?

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Last but not least, the most important aspect of S&M and the golden rule to remember above all else is PLAY SAFE. Bdsm by its very nature is dangerous and all activities within it carry some sort of risk.

While that is part of the thrill, you still need to be careful. At the lower end of the scale, if you are doing spanking or caning then you need to be careful where you hit. The buttocks are like the junction box of where all your nerves met which is what makes it such a pleasurable place to be spanked but hit too hard and you risk giving the receiver a large bruise.

Also, if using whips or canes, you should never deviate from the ass unless your aim is spot on. Many subs enjoy getting whacked on their thighs or back but missing a muscle and hitting a bone area or tendon can leave permanent damage.

Likewise if whipping the back, the kidneys are just at the waist so make sure you hit the muscle deltoid area and not the small of the back to avoid kidney damage.

It goes without saying that acts such as facesitting, breathplay etc all carry the greatest risk. If you are facesitting your slave, arrange a cider beforehand, such as he taps your thighs. This way he can let you know he’s struggling for breath.

It also goes without saying, NEVER EVER leave a restrained submissive unattended, especially if wearing a hood or mask. Sure It is a big fantasy and you can talk about it but never do it.

Always Safety First is the top bdsm 101 rule

For example, if you are cuckolding then it’s a huge turn on for him to be tied to the bed with your panties in mouth and taped shut, and a turn on for her knowing she is getting easier while her cuck is suffering but people have actually died from this, most famously a man in Colorado who asphyxiated when his wife tied him to the bed, put a gimp mask on him then went to a hotel room with her lover.

Gags, hoods, breath play, face sitting etc are all highly enjoyable practises and No one is saying don’t do them as they are too dangerous. Just that before you engage in them, research them properly beforehand and know what you are doing before you dive right in.

A good way to learn if you want to learn from an expert is to use a live femdom cams website. These sites have dozens of pro mistresses online who would be more than happy to spend time with you and teach you the basics.

They might also be able to suggest other things they have done with slaves that they think you might also enjoy. There are lots of BDSM webcam sites available.
So there you have it. The general basics of BDSM. Hopefully, this article has given you some insight into S&M and will allow you to get started and follow a path into domination and submission.
Play safe