Bdsm Slave Protocol – Difference between Vanilla & Bdsm Relationships.
As with any other relationship, there are established rules and guidelines which need to be adhered to. The major difference between a vanilla relationship and a BDSM one is that these guidelines govern how an individual is to behave. In contrast, in the relationship, what is acceptable, and what will not be tolerated, are hashed out and negotiated at the beginning and reinforced, expanded upon and changed as time goes on.
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Whereas, in a vanilla relationship, it’s assumed that each individual knows how to behave and what is expected of them so that when they go against what their partner expected, fights ensue or the excuse of “I didn’t know” is used.
These guidelines and requirements that are established before the commencement of the relationship are achieved by way of Protocols and Rituals and enforced by corrective action, punishment if necessary, and finally, dismissal if all corrective measures fail to rectify the
situation.
What are BDSM Protocols?
Protocols are guidelines established by the Master/Mistress for the submissive/slave to follow to help them know what is required and how they are expected to behave and perform.
These Protocols may be elaborate or simple. The Protocol’s purpose is
to reinforce the submissive/slave’s position in the Master/Mistress’ life every time they perform the act.
It also gives the submissive/slave a sense of belonging and accomplishment they may not otherwise have in their vanilla life. In case you’re wondering, the submissive can also request a specific Protocol or create a Ritual that makes them feel comfortable or safe and share this with their Master/Mistress having it incorporated into their actions when serving.
A good place to start reading is on our BDSM rules page for both Female dominants as well as submissives.
Kneeling Protocol In BDSM, Bondage & Slave Ownership
Below are a few examples of kneeling Protocols for a slave to conduct when in the presence of his Master/Mistress:
Kneeling straight up to show respect with his hands at the small of his back and his eyes straight ahead or downcast is a common form of presentation and shows respect.
The slave may be allowed to rest on his heels with his palms on his thighs, awaiting the next command from his Master/Mistress.
Another position can find the slave kneeling supine, his body resting on the floor, arms outstretched as if bowing before a Queen and awaiting her next command.
Some submissive/slaves are allowed to stand instead of kneeling especially if in Dungeons or at an outdoor event, or if the slave has knee problems. Under these circumstances, the submissive/slave may be required to stand following the prescribed Protocol.
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This may be to stand at attention or Parade Rest as they do in the military while in the Dominant’s presence. (Parade Rest is where the submissive stands with their arms behind their back, their legs shoulder-width apart, their head held high, looking straight ahead.)
You may consider this the slave’s “ready position” as he quietly waits to be of service—standing silently in the background until he is called for.
Some Dominants institute eye contact restrictions Protocols.
This is where the slave is required never to look the Dominant in the eyes. This Protocol reinforces the hierarchical mindset of BDSM.
A submissive/slave will then be corrected or punished if he/she fails to
adhere to it. Some Protocols require a slave to wear a certain type of uniform or wear nothing at all while serving.
One Master/slave couple I know instituted a dress code where the slave wore a plain white blouse with a long dark-coloured frock dress over it along with flat-heeled shoes—a very conservative attire.
The Master also wears a type of Victorian suit that’s very professional
looking and in keeping with his business responsibilities. If you met this couple, you would never think they were kinky.
They look like your average wholesome ma and pa neighbours.
Don’t forget what I said before about BDSM lifestylers being the people you see every day sitting next to you on the bus or at church or work—or perhaps in the mirror.
Protocols & Rituals for Bdsm Are Endless
The list of possible Protocols is endless, and each Master/Mistress can tailor the Protocol to what they require of their submissive/slave, adding their flair as desired. On top of Protocols are Rituals
Rituals are established either separate from or in conjunction with particular Protocols. For example, one Ritual may be that when the
submissive/slave returns home from work, he or she is required to bathe, consciously and metaphorically washing away their vanilla persona, then kneeling naked in a designated area.
During this time of quiet reflection, the slave reorients him/herself to the life they have chosen with their Master/Mistress and also releases their outside worries and stressors.
Once the designated time has passed, or the slave feels they’re ready, he/she would rise and go about their duties in the household and present themselves to their Master/Mistress as per the established.
Protocols.
Another Ritual can govern the way the slave/submissive offers themselves for use before engaging in BDSM activities with their Master/Mistress whether in private or in public.
Ritual of a Dominant Woman
Below is an example of a Ritual a Dominant woman created for Her slave which is used when they engage in public Play.
The Ritual begins with the slave preparing the area for them to use. The slave lays out a red lap blanket on the floor where she’s designated they will conduct their Scene.
This serves to establish a boundary for onlookers not to cross. The slave then sets out the Toys from her BDSM Toy bag. Once that’s accomplished, he places a chair for her to sit on directly across from where
he’ll kneel to allow her to observe him for as long as she desires.
Get Him to prepare the area for Bdsm Play
By preparing the area, he shuts out everything from his mind. Once the Scene is ready, he undresses completely and kneels on the blanket, closes his eyes centring himself and focusing on being of service to his Mistress in
any manner she desires of him.
The slave may be embarrassed and feel vulnerable to be so
exposed before others as he awaits his Master’s dictates yet he does so anyway as he knows it brings her pleasure to have him so exposed.
As the Dominant sits in the chair, she can observe her slave’s diligence and attention to detail. In a way, she too is preparing herself for the Scene to come.
The Ritual continues when she joins him on the blanket. She strokes his hair and reassures him of her presence. Before she binds him, she raises his face so he may look into her eyes brushes his lips with hers, nibbles his lower lip and tells him how pleased she was by his efforts.
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She then kisses his wrists before she places each wrist in the leather bondage cuffs which she then connects to the ceiling beam overhead.
This is a sweet sensual Ritual for this couple. Not all rituals have to be sensual, some are pragmatic others are forceful. Everyone’s Protocols and Rituals vary and are unique to them.
You can put any twist you desire on them. The only thing the Dominant has to keep in mind is that He or She is responsible for reinforcing these Protocols and Rituals.
If the Dominant isn’t willing to put the effort into upholding them, they shouldn’t be established as it’ll create bad habits in the slave/submissive and make the submissive/slave wonder at the level of dominance they are receiving.
As I mentioned before, the submissive will often test their Master/Mistress and purposely mix up the Protocols or Rituals or perhaps not adhere to them to see if their “naughty” behaviour will be corrected.
This test isn’t done out of childishness, disrespect, or malicious intent but to reassure themselves that their Master/Mistress values them enough to care that they’re doing a good job in following the established rules of the household and that the Dominant is willing to punish them when they’re not.
Some slaves/submissives may demand a higher level of control requiring their Dominants to impose “absolute measures and punishments”.
These slaves may leave a relationship if their more extreme needs are not met. Without these strict controls, the slave doesn’t feel “right”
about the relationship.
There is nothing wrong with this. As we’ve discussed, every individual
has their own needs and should find the best relationship for them—just as is done in the vanilla realm.
Before I move on to corrective measures, I want to talk a little about training a slave to accept pain and become orgasmic from it. Though the training is much like anything you wish the submissive/slave to learn, when training a slave to accept pain, you must slowly introduce it and connect it to their sexual release.
You also make pain a reward they receive for being obedient
such as receiving a Spanking or a Flogging.
The difference here is that you’re constantly increasing the level of pain or emotional intensity associated with what would otherwise be a punishment.
This emotional connection is what will eventually have the slave/submissive
needing even begging his Master/Mistress for more since he will have associated his pain with the pleasure of fulfilling his Master/Mistress’ needs. In this way, you seduce the slave with his/her need for pain; and thus have also begun his pain training.
As for how you would punish a slave you are training to accept pain, you would withhold their ability to interact with you and share your time and essence.
Pain Training
A submissive/slave can be trained to enjoy pain and even learn to orgasm from it. The trick is to seduce them into it! This seduction is accomplished by using their desires to achieve the Dominant’s objective.
For instance, the slave wants to please his Mistress/Master, therefore he/she will try to accept what the Master/Mistress desires and finds erotic.
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The truth is that as the body starts experiencing pain and the adrenaline and endorphins, as well as DHEA, are released into the body, it can register the stimulus as either pleasure or pain.
It is the individual who places a psychological and cultural significance to the stimulus deeming it good or bad, pleasure or pain, which the mind and body will then accept accordingly.
This is no different than the old belief of “no pain no gain” that athletes thrive on, or the military Rangers who use the fact that when they “feel pain” it’s a reminder that they’re still “alive”.
To help the slave embrace the desire for pain or to be able to tolerate it better, the Dominant must link sexual and/or emotional gratification to it thus having one sensation override the other and conditioning the slave to desire pain as a way to achieve pleasure. Employing Pavlov’s salivating dog experiments (classical conditioning) and the principles behind behaviour modification will help achieve this connection.
I find that having the slave count through the pain allows him/her to be seduced into the idea that the pain will go away as soon as they reach a
certain number.
The counting also provides a sense of accomplishment and the slave feels pride in him/herself that they were able to endure the pain for the duration of the count.
This sense of pride is especially true for masochistic individuals as it serves to reinforce the pleasure/pain connection.
Of course, this feeling of accomplishment deserves a reward. The reward can be a kiss on the boo-boo a sexual threat or another reward previously agreed-upon of a sexual or affectionate nature.
It can be anything the Dominant chooses to bestow on his/her slave for being so brave and enduring for them.
Corrective Measures
The natural progression of a slave/submissive when entering into a relationship is that he/she is trained, corrected, punished and finally dismissed if all else fails. Here’s how it works.
The submissive/slave is trained to do a specific task. If the submissive does not understand or does not follow through on what is requested or required, the submissive is corrected. If the correction provided does not remedy the situation, punishment is administered.
If training, correction, or punishment doesn’t correct the behaviour dismissal from service will result.
Below is an example of the natural progression to training a slave/submissive to perform a specific task.
The submissive is instructed that when he is told to present himself for inspection, he will stand with his arms behind his back, right palm over left, fingers flat not interlocked, shoulders pressed back, head held high, eyes straight, feet slightly apart. (This is the same position as
Parade Rest in the military.)
The submissive follows all the instructions; however, he erroneously places the left palm over the right. His Master/Mistress will then correct the position talking him through it once more. If he again errs he is again corrected and made to perform the presentation several times
until the Dominant is sure he has it correct.
Tomorrow or a few days from now when he again is instructed to assume this position and fails to do so properly, the Dominant has several forms of
corrective measures to use, whether that is to retrain the individual to reinforce the proper way to present himself or to use punishment.
Let’s break down the corrective measures further so that you may see what they look like and how they lead to behaviour modification. If you want to know how to institute change and the value of “punishment”, review a few therapeutic manuals on behaviour modification as well as a few books on Dominant guidelines.
For our purposes, we’re going to get the “down and dirty basics” to help the Dominant elicit the behaviour she/he desires from their submissive/slave.
It’s imperative to remember that when dealing with the Power Exchange there are only three choices when it comes to corrective measures. Understanding which comes first is essential in establishing the foundation of the relationship and ensuring it flourishes to its utmost potential.
As with any other relationship, if you address the issues before they become problems and communicate effectively you can create a joyous union. If not, you’ll create a nightmare you’ll long to escape from which will only serve to make you feel inadequate and frustrated.
Nowhere is the old adage that you reap what you sow truer than when in a BDSM relationship. Corrective measures are not about making the person feel bad or humiliating the slave and should follow the pattern of training, correction, punishment and dismissal. Punishment should never be a Dominant’s first choice.
Here’s how it works:
If the slave does something the Master/Mistress doesn’t like, then
training is the order of the day. It’s the Dominant’s responsibility to mould the individual into the slave/submissive they desire.
Imagine it like starting a new job. Your boss or supervisor (the Dominant) will teach you what is required and how it’s done in that job (Protocols). If you mess up and your supervisor doesn’t correct you or didn’t provide enough training then it’s not the new employee’s fault—but the supervisor’s.
Now, if the employee (submissive/slave) is provided with adequate training (Protocols) necessary and is still not meeting the expectations, then correction is necessary. At this point, the supervisor (Dominant) will go over what is required and even have the employee (submissive/slave) recite the requirements to him/her to ensure the employee is correct and if
necessary reword or clarify any confusion there may be.
As we continue with this example: if despite the training the employee (submissive/slave) was provided he is still unable to follow through appropriately and still makes mistakes or his performance is not acceptable, then it’s time for the Master/Mistress (employer) to consider the
following:
(a) Is further training appropriate?
(b) Does the Ritual or Protocol need to be changed?
(c) Should the slave/submissive be referred out for specialized training?
(d) Is Punishment the correct next step or is Dismissal warranted?
In a work situation, corrective measures could mean the loss of pay or commission even suspension.
Specialized training can be made by assigning the employee (submissive) to another boss or trainer (Dominant) or sending them to a specialized training course (slave training academy )
In a BDSM relationship, corrective measures could be physical such as a Spanking, Flogging, even humiliation or sending the submissive for training to another individual or organization (such as a Slave’s Retreat like Catherine Gross and other individuals and various BDSM organizations provide).
Again, this is no different than in the vanilla realm where the
employee would be sent to Human Resources for training or sent to an outside agency for management development.
If after a predetermined time, the situation doesn’t resolve itself, Dismissal (firing) should be considered. Dismissal is where a slave/submissive is advised that they will no longer interact with the Dominant and ties are severed.
The submissive/slave will also have their collar removed.
Losing their collar is a traumatic incident for a submissive/slave as this means they no longer belong to their Master/Mistress and any interactions in the future will be limited or nonexistent.
This is as devastating as any break-up in a vanilla relationship is, if not more so, because of the unique dynamics of the D/s relationship.
Depending on the length of time the Master/slave was together it can even be as traumatizing as a divorce.
Yes, I am purposely making the connections between the vanilla realm and the BDSM realm
It’s important to realize that the two are intertwined and have the same emotional connections. People don’t stop being emotional human beings merely because they enter into a BDSM relationship.
These relationships aren’t merely a compartmentalized part of someone’s
life, it is—in many instances—their core identity and who they are despite not sharing it openly with everyone in their lives.
Thus when entering into a BDSM relationship that isn’t just for Play
or a one-night stand/one-kink stand, the emotional connections are strong.
The responsibility for lack of training and the dissolution of the relationship falls primarily on the Dominant’s shoulders. It is the Dominant’s fault for not guiding the submissive/slave where they needed to go; unless of course guidance was provided and the submissive chose not to follow it or constantly fought against it.
At that point, dismissal is the most appropriate course of action.
As with any other relationship, if one party is constantly fighting or not giving their all then that is not a relationship you want to stay in.
And though women are often “people fixers” always wanting to help improve the person they care for or love and make them “better”; in a
Dominance and submission relationship can be very detrimental to the Dominant’s mental health.
You can’t force submission! It’s either freely given or it wasn’t there, to begin with. Besides, trying to force submission is like trying to force someone to love you—it’ll never happen.
Sometimes you’ll hear the comment that the individual presented a “challenge” and they were taught to be a great submissive or slave. This does occur. However, there is a tremendous difference between someone being a “challenge” and someone fighting the Dominant for their submission every step of the way.
One you enjoy, the other you’re tearing your hair out. And though everyone loves a challenge, no one enjoys Mission Impossible or beating their head
against a brick wall repeatedly.
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As for what types of punishment the Dominant would administer to a submissive/slave, Sissy?
This would depend on the offence and the nature of the Dominant. Every Dominant has its manner of Punishment, and its hard limits. For instance, a Master/Mistress who is service-oriented may provide the slave with a hated task or use humiliation to Punish them.
A Sadist or typical Dominant may use pain as Punishment—a Flogging or Caning, etc. Though a slave being inappropriate and disrespectful once or twice can be corrected through the use of Punishment, if this is a constant thing, then he/she is not someone the Dominant would want to be in a relationship with as it’ll be an uphill battle—again, the difference between a challenge and mission impossible.
Realistically speaking, who wants to be in a relationship where their significant other disrespects them constantly? Staying in such a
the relationship shows a lack of self-esteem on the part of the Dominant and a need to work on their issues.
The same can be said of a Dominant who is constantly disrespectful to a submissive. Unless this constant disrespect is purposefully part of the dynamics of the relationship because both the submissive and Dominant get turned on by it, some people enjoy being humiliated, then this Dominant is pushing the bounds on the relationship and in some instances being abusive within it.
I previously mentioned the fact that many submissive women look for a Dominant man in the vanilla realm only to find an abusive one instead.
The same can be true for a submissive man. We cannot overlook the fact that some Dominants and submissives (men and women) may enter
into the BDSM community with ulterior motives disguising their malicious nature behind bratty behaviour or a sadistic façade.
Often members of the community can spot these individuals
quickly and word gets around about them. In the end, the BDSM community is like any other, you have your good and bad.
The ultimate Punishment would be Dismissal. Once Dismissed, the Master/Mistress may decide not to interact with the slave further in any manner. The slave/submissive’s collar will be removed and any financial connections will be severed.
If the slave was a member of the Dominant’s household, he/she would be required to vacate the premises—much like what happens during the dissolution of a marriage.