WHAT IS BDSM

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Everyone is talking about BDSM. Ever since Fifty Shades of Gray was made into a film, everyone has heard of it. And everyone seems to like it, right? Of a rich man who also looks attractive and is well behaved in character has nothing to do with BDSM. When asked “What is BDSM?” and for further questions, you will get an answer in this article.

The BDSM is largely about a balance of power and sadomasochism, i.e. pain. Bondage is often a tool to create the power gap, but humiliation and humiliation can. BDSM is also often used as an umbrella term for other tendencies such as DDLG.

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What is BDSM — general

Disclaimer: BDSM, in particular, is very multifaceted and cannot be clearly defined. However, I find it not very reader-friendly to put behind every sentence “mostly” or “often”. So here is the warning: I try to write a simple and general explanation, I do not explain all areas of the BDSM and this article does not claim to be complete.

The term BDSM is also often used as a generic term for more specific preferences such as Petplay or DDLG. Here in this article, it should be about what BDSM is in itself.

BDSM is the short form for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. These words translate to bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. The BDSM is largely about a balance of power and sadomasochism, i.e. pain. To the question “What is BDSM?” so let’s take a closer look at what these words mean.

Check out BDSM A to Z

Check out our rules for submissives

Dominance and devotion

With BDSM there is always a dome and one (or more) sub (s). Dom is dominant, determining person, Sub is the submissive, submissive person.

Submissive is a fairly rarely used word, hence the explanation: it is roughly a summary of the words “submissive”, “shy” and “obedient”. The word dominant means “determining”, “self-confident” and “leading”.

Devotion

The submissive person voluntarily gives power to the cathedral. In an optimal sub-dom constellation, the sub does what she does, not because she is very afraid of punishment, rather because sub doesn’t want her dom to be disappointed with her. This, for example, is a typical submissive trait/behaviour.

Sub wants to satisfy Dom, make him happy and she likes to submit to him. Devotion should be something that you value and like as a dominant person.

Subs differ in different dimensions:

For example, there are subs that are very bratty and those that are very good. Brats are subs that are cheeky, intentionally disobedient, and often want to be forced by Dom.

Brave subs are exactly the opposite, they are well behaved and do what Dom tells them most of the time without contradictions. Another dimension in which subs can differ is the “kinky” -ness. So how kinky is the person? If Sub just likes normal sex harder and with a dominant partner, or Sub likes various things, such as oral sex, feet, pet play, the list goes on and on.

There are more dimensions in which subs can differ. But what is more important than knowing which they are is knowing that subs are rarely exactly on one page. For example, the sub is often just a little kinky. Or just a little bratty. Subs are different, that’s important to know!

Dominance

Dom, on the other hand, gets a lot of responsibility with all the power he gets. Restraints, for example, are not without their dangers, so take a look at what you have to look out for when bonding. Therefore, I strongly recommend that the cathedral should read in well. For this I have written a free 7-day online training on the good and successful cathedral, I recommend it to everyone who is not yet 100% knowledgeable. Dom also cares for the well-being of his sub. It is his most valuable possession and he looks after her to the best of his ability.

He has the responsibility to assess what his sub can tolerate and what not. If he makes a mistake, then he is responsible for it, so a good cathedral informs itself beforehand about so-called “taboos” of the sub. Basically, it is a good idea, since Sub could also have problems from previous experience, but I don’t think the way in which the whole thing is implemented is so great and I address this in a separate article about taboos

As a sub, you should appreciate dominance and you should like it.

As with the subs, there are different domes. Doms that prefer to have their wishes fulfilled and doms that prefer to have a roast and want to “fight” playfully with him/her. Doms are also different, which is also important to know!

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Discipline

This word is the most difficult word in the acronym BDSM. It expresses the type of interaction between sub and cathedral. Dom orders and sub does. Many doms attach the greatest importance to this word. I see it as a kind of the cornerstone of the BDSM, without it the power gap would not be possible.

By the way, discipline does not mean that there can be no brats. As I said, it rather reflects the dynamic between sub and cathedral. The following example should illustrate the second word in the acronym BDSM:

Dom: You weren’t very good today, little one. I’m honestly a little disappointed with your behaviour today.

Sub: I’m sorry sir. I understand that I have done something wrong and I will never do it again. Promised.

Incidentally, this behaviour can only be achieved through a great deal of trust.

Power gap

The power gap is probably what most BDSM learners (including myself) like the most. By submitting power to Dom, it is created and it is simply sexually arousing for most.

For Sub, it is the feeling that they are at the mercy of being able to defend themselves. Just obeying, having no power. It may sound paradoxical that people like this.

Therefore, in this article, I conducted an interview about exactly this topic. As a cathedral, I find these answers really interesting, because otherwise I only perceive them from the other side.

For Dom, it’s the power he gets from Sub. The infinite obedience and the possibility to do anything with Sub what he/she likes. The humiliation and humiliation of Sub is another thing that is exciting for Dom. Of course, there is also the trivial advantage that you can determine when and what exactly happens.

An unhealthy power gap is one in which Dom uses his power for things that weren’t agreed. If, for example, it was agreed that no permanent traces or damage are permitted and Dom Sub would still cause a scar injury or the like. In such a case, Sub should immediately separate from Dom.

Bondage

Bondage is often a tool that is used to create a balance of power or to expand what already exists. The tools used can be:

  • Ropes
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuffs
  • Metal rings & chains
  • Spreader bars

This is just an incomplete list of things to do bondage with. Strictly speaking, you can do anything with which you can bond a person.

The power gap can, of course, become extremely strong by including bondage. This can start with the hands tied up, but goes all the way to hogtie and other full-body bonds. Of course, the good dome scales the bondage intensity right at the beginning with the confidence that Sub will bring.

Bondage also exists outside of the BDSM as a separate kink. The captivating rigger and the bound rope bunny or simply bunny are called. Artistic tying like in the Shibari is often not intended to be tied up for a long time, but to look good.

Trust

It definitely takes a lot of trusts to create such a power gap. Logically, nobody wants to be immobilized by someone they don’t trust.

In this case, however, the trust has to be far greater than it has to be for example with Vanilla relationships. As a sub, you actually put your life in the hands of the cathedral. Sub literally depends on Sub not to do anything that Sub doesn’t want.

Without trust, Sub cannot drop during sessions either. Sub cannot concentrate and has to constantly think about things like “is he doing everything right”, “will he stop if he asks for it” or “does he know what he is talking about?”.

Instead, Sub should be able to drop himself during the session with the thoughts: “My cathedral is taking care of me. He knows what he’s doing and I can trust him that he won’t really destroy me. ”

From personal experience, I can say that the unrestricted trust of a sub to the cathedral is something very nice, also seen personally or, above all, between people. It connects two people in a very intense way.

This very intimate and intense trust also creates a secure feeling in Sub when Sub is with Dom. In my opinion, it also intensifies the intensity of a relationship in some way.

Sadism and masochism

I wrote my own article on sadimus and masochism.

It also belongs to BDSM, but there are many BDSMers who are neither sadists nor masochists. BDSM also works without pain.

Pain can be easily started by cutting. That’s just a fancy word for slapping your ass. In the article about spanking, I put together what you need to look out for.

In general, sadism and masochism are one of the easiest things to leave traces. So if you don’t want to get caught, watch wherein the body you do what

Another way to distribute pain is with stimulation current devices. If you increase the intensity, it becomes more and more painful until at some point it no longer feels good, but only feels painful.

Penalties and rewards

Penalties and rewards can be different for each sub. My sub, for example, is against the standard of kissing and licking my feet. For other subs it might be a punishment if I say “kiss my feet, slave”, but for them, it is clearly a reward.

In general, there are penalties for making Sub behave better. But you really have to use penalties and no funishments. More on punishment vs funishment can be found under penalties.

My boyfriend is into BDSM — what to do?

Your friend is into BDSM, if that scares you or makes you feel uncomfortable, rest assured: BDSM is not a bad thing. First of all, you should read the whole article here if you haven’t already.

As you read, BDSM is not a bad thing that many people think of it.

You have several options to respond:

  • If you have read the article and find that you like BDSM, then you can tell him/her. He/she will probably be very happy.
  • If you think you might like it but you’re not sure yet, I recommend reading some BDSM stories. After that, you should have a better picture of whether you like BDSM or not. Here are some stories that should give you an idea:
  • The Incubus — Chapter 1
  • With her friends — Chapter 1
  • She needs it that way — Chapter 1
    After reading the stories, you should have an idea of ​​whether you like BDSM or not.
  • If you are still not sure, you should tell your partner. Communication is extremely important with something like that. Put it in such a way that you are open to trying it out, but still not sure if it is something for you.
  • If you think that you won’t like something like that, then that’s not a bad thing. You should tell him/her that you don’t like this. It’s best to add something like “But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you” or something similar. Because he/she is still the same person that he/she was before. Under no circumstances should you judge him for his inclinations, your trust could suffer very badly.

The important thing is that I can only emphasize once again that you can speak openly about this. It shouldn’t be a bad thing to talk about tendencies and what you like and dislike. Addictions do not change a person, they are part of the person you know and (possibly) love.

Armed with this knowledge, you can read the article “ Start with BDSM — 6 ideas with which you can get started right away ”

Check out some fantastic ideas for bdsm slave training at the link below